Her fiancé won’t let her access their money — this is what experts recommend

Experts say financial control is one of the most common ways to keep a partner trapped, and most people do not see it clearly until they are already trapped.

Many couples have disagreements about money at some stage in their relationship. They might argue about things like who is spending too much, who isn’t saving enough, or whose name should be on the bank account. However, some situations can be more serious than just a simple disagreement about finances and can be categorized as abuse. A woman encountered a similar situation and reached out to the experts at ‘The Ramsey Show’ for guidance.

The story

A woman named Jennifer called into ‘The Ramsey Show’ and asked for advice to deal with her challenging financial situation. She explained that her fiancé handled every financial decision in their household. Whenever she needed money for things like groceries or the kids, she had to ask him and explain exactly how much she needed. She didn’t have a bank account of her own or any sort of financial independence.

Jennifer had been a stay-at-home mother for six years. The couple was not legally married but had three children together, ages six, four, and one. She had asked for account access before, and his answer was always no. The closest thing to a compromise he offered was a possible allowance, and even that came with conditions.

One of the hosts, George Kamel, told Jennifer she would have more financial freedom leaving the relationship than staying in it, as at least with court-ordered child support, she wouldn’t have someone controlling her every purchase. Another host, Rachel Cruze, called the relationship toxic and told Jennifer plainly that her fiancé was treating her like a child, not a partner. When they asked what was keeping her there, Jennifer could barely answer. She mentioned the kids, then admitted she was scared of walking out with absolutely nothing.

When Rachel asked how her fiancé would react if she got a job, Jennifer said he would be fine with it but would expect her to cover childcare entirely on her own, since getting a job was her choice.

Both hosts encouraged Jennifer to read a book to help her understand her career options after being out of the workforce for a long time. They also advised her to look into her legal rights as someone in a common-law relationship without a prenup, to seek support from family and friends, and to start planning for her future.

Reactions

Many people were concerned about Jennifer’s situation. One commenter wrote, “Being a stay-at-home parent and not married is madness.” Choosing to leave the workforce without legal protection, a marriage certificate, or financial access leaves a person with almost no ground to stand on if the relationship falls apart.

Another person criticized Jennifer for agreeing to this lifestyle, stating, “Yeah, she’s an idiot for ever agreeing to this and even more of an idiot for having multiple kids with this person. This is a form of abuse, but it’s on her for allowing this behavior.” Harsh as the wording was, many people were surprised that she didn’t recognize the warning signs and continued to have children with him.

Some people showed sympathy for her, a viewer said, “My heart breaks for her. The fact that she didn’t even realize it’s financial abuse is so scary, because this definitely will lead to physical abuse.” Others offered practical advice, suggesting she look for work so she can save and leave him. One person advised, “Look for remote work so that you can start somewhere without the need for childcare. Save all you can. Get a lawyer. Plan your exit strategy.”

Some felt strongly that more women should share their stories to warn others. As one commenter put it, “More women need to come out with their stories like this to warn young girls and other women from getting into these situations.” By sharing these stories, people can learn to identify and avoid similar challenges they might face.

What financial abuse actually looks like in a relationship

Financial abuse is about controlling how money is used in a relationship, and it doesn’t always involve someone physically taking money from their partner. When one person handles all the finances and decides how money is spent, while the other partner has to ask for money to cover basic needs, that isn’t a healthy way to manage finances. It’s a way to exert control under the guise of being responsible.

Many people might not notice the signs of financial abuse at first. They might think their partner is just better at managing money. Over time, though, this can lead to one partner being the only one with access to bank accounts. When a person relies on their partner for money, it can make it very difficult for them to leave the relationship, even if they want to. Recognizing these behaviors is important for understanding and addressing financial abuse.

Why this matters

Many people mistakenly think that financial abuse or even financial infidelity is less serious than physical violence, but that’s a big misunderstanding. When someone, like Jennifer, doesn’t have money or a legal standing, they can’t safely leave a harmful relationship. This lack of financial freedom can make it easier for the other person to control them. This is often how the abuse starts.

We also don’t talk enough about how children in these situations are affected. When kids see one parent in control while the other struggles to meet basic needs, they learn from those behaviors. Staying together “for the sake of the kids” without addressing what they’re going through doesn’t protect them. In fact, it may expose them to even bigger problems as they grow up!