The real problem with online dating
Is modern dating broken, or are we overwhelmed by too many options?
Online dating was supposed to make love more efficient. More options, better filters, wider search, fewer bad matches. Instead, it’s left many people feeling exhausted and cynical about connection itself. A podcaster, Chris Williamson, and philosopher Alain de Botton cut through that fatigue and explain why dating feels harder now, even though meeting people has never been easier. The problem isn’t who we’re choosing, it’s what we’ve been taught to value. Their advice is not another “delete the apps” story. They are reframing modern dating, which might explain why so many men feel stuck in the swipe, match, ghost loop.
The story
Chris Williamson interviewed Alain de Botton, the Swiss-born British philosopher, author, and founder of The School of Life. Alain has written extensively on love, intimacy, marriage, and modern anxiety, including The Course of Love and Essays in Love, blending philosophy with real-world emotional experience. His work has made him one of the most influential contemporary thinkers on relationships, especially for people trying to reconcile romance with modern life.
Williamson asks about online dating, and Alain delivers a deceptively simple diagnosis. In dating culture, he says, the central challenge of love is finding the right person. Yes, compatibility matters, but probably far less than we think. Most people we meet could be “more or less okay candidates.” The real work begins after that moment, learning how to live with another deeply imperfect human being.
Apps invert this logic. When conflict arises, they encourage us to assume we chose wrong, rather than that friction is normal, inevitable, tolerable, and workable. Why wrestle with misunderstanding when there’s a new profile waiting? The result is a constant redirection of effort toward “the next shiny object,” rather than the slow, unglamorous labor of building something real. As Alain puts it, online dating doesn’t just expand options; it teaches us to place effort in the wrong place.
Reactions
The comment section exploded not with debate, but recognition. “This hit deep” was the top comment. That reaction shows up again and again whenever someone finally articulates a feeling people couldn’t quite name. The exhaustion many daters feel is from constantly restarting emotional effort at square one after a minor inconvenience.
“Have dating apps made relationships consumable?” That question addresses the core issue. Apps are built on choice architecture, the same psychology that powers streaming services and online shopping. Research shows that when options feel unlimited, satisfaction drops and commitment weakens.
“Dating is all about keeping the momentum going, or you go back on the apps.” This comment perfectly captures the hidden pressure of app-based dating. If intimacy doesn’t accelerate fast enough, the system nudges you back into the marketplace. There’s little space for awkwardness or slow emotional trust, all essential ingredients for durable relationships.
“Dating apps have built customers and generations unable to build love.” Harsh, but not baseless. Studies suggest that apps reward novelty over stability, reinforcing short-term thinking and avoidant behaviors. When friction appears, disengagement is easier than repair.
Why this matters
We’re currently living in a world where swipes and notifications dictate attraction, so it’s easy to mistake options for opportunity and novelty for connection. Understanding that relationships thrive not on perfect compatibility but on emotional skills shifts the focus from endless searching to meaningful effort. It’s not always as simple as it seems. Sometimes, people, even in long-term relationships, still can’t grasp this important fact.
Men navigating online dating can benefit from this insight. Conflict, uncertainty, imperfection, and repair are not failures. They’re the currency of lasting love. This perspective helps reduce burnout, fosters patience, shifts perspective, and encourages building bonds that endure beyond the initial novelty. In short, knowing where to put your energy and what not to run from can transform dating from a frustrating grind into a path toward real intimacy.
What actually makes relationships work
Decades of relationship research point to a boring but powerful truth. Longevity has less to do with compatibility metrics and more to do with emotional skills. It requires you to graduate from a boy into a man. Successful couples aren’t conflict-free; they’re repair-savvy. They argue, but they also know how to de-escalate, take responsibility, focus on repair, and stay curious.
Online dating rarely teaches these skills. It teaches selection, evaluation, retreat, and replacement. That’s why so many people report feeling simultaneously desired and disposable in online dating. The system is doing exactly what it was built to do. What’s missing is cultural permission to stop optimizing and start practicing.
