Boyfriend says he won’t get a job because “it doesn’t benefit him” — experts warn signs of financial abuse
When one partner refuses to contribute financially, experts say it could signal manipulation and control in the relationship.
Money is a well-known source of tension in relationships, but what happens when one partner refuses to work at all and frames it as “not benefiting them”? That’s the dilemma a woman faced on The Ramsey Show, and it’s started a conversation about financial responsibility, boundaries, and the subtle ways abuse can creep into a relationship. What might seem like stubbornness or laziness can be used as a form of manipulation, and it’s more common than many realize.
The story
On The Ramsey Show, a woman by the name of Madison called in from Salt Lake City, Utah. She shared that her boyfriend had been unemployed for over two years. When she tried to review their finances together, he shut down, insisting he didn’t want a job because “it wouldn’t benefit him” and accusing her of potentially misusing the money anyway.
The couple also shares children, which complicates the situation further. While they are not married, they live together and share financial responsibilities. The woman admitted she had started questioning whether what she was experiencing could qualify as financial abuse. There was one complication though, during the past year, her partner had spent time renovating a property they hoped to use as an Airbnb rental. In his view, that work counted as his contribution to the household.
But when the hosts asked if the rental was actually profitable, the answer was less reassuring. She said in the past five months, the property has been covering expenses but not generating any real income. For the caller, the bigger issue was the lack of support and the feeling that she was carrying the financial weight of the household alone.
Expert advice
The hosts didn’t immediately label the situation as financial abuse, but they were clear that the dynamic raised serious concerns. Their biggest concern was that the boyfriend’s reasoning of saying a job wouldn’t benefit him because she would misuse the money. This sounded less like a practical argument and more like manipulation.
“That’s about as clear a case of manipulation as I’ve ever seen,” one of the hosts said during the discussion. Instead of focusing solely on whether the behavior met a formal definition of abuse, they encouraged the caller to look at the bigger picture of a partner refusing to take responsibility while shifting blame onto the person supporting them. The advice they offered centered on boundaries.
First, they suggested separating finances if possible so that her income was no longer enabling the situation. Continuing to financially support someone who refuses to contribute can remove the urgency for them to change, they explained.
They also emphasized counseling as a potential next step. If the partner was willing to acknowledge the problem and work on it, there might still be room to repair the relationship. But if he responded with defensiveness or blame, that reaction would reveal a lot about the future of the partnership. Ultimately, the hosts encouraged her to frame the conversation with clear context. The relationship could not continue in the same way if she remained the only person providing financial stability for the family.
How to recognize financial abuse
Situations like this are an example of why financial abuse can be difficult to identify. Unlike physical abuse, it often develops gradually through patterns of control or manipulation around money. Financial abuse is commonly used to control a partner’s independence by restricting money, sabotaging employment, or limiting access to financial resources.
In some cases, the behavior involves actively blocking a partner from working. In others, it appears as chronic irresponsibility, such as refusing to seek employment while expecting financial support to continue indefinitely. Another common warning sign is blame. When financial conversations repeatedly end with one partner accusing the other of mismanagement or using guilt to avoid accountability, the discussion shifts from problem-solving to control.
Healthy relationships involve transparency, shared responsibility, communication, and honesty. That doesn’t necessarily mean both partners earn the same amount, but it does mean decisions are discussed openly and contributions, whether financial or otherwise, are recognized. When one person consistently carries the burden while the other dismisses their concerns, it can create a power imbalance that goes beyond normal financial disagreements.
In the case discussed on The Ramsey Show, the hosts ultimately reminded the caller that the issue wasn’t just about money anymore. With children involved, the stakes were higher. As they put it during the conversation, taking care of yourself financially is also part of taking care of the family.
