What is phubbing and why you should care about it
With phones being part of our daily life, phubbing has become common, and it’s starting to affect our relationships.
Ask anyone about their last dinner out with a partner or a friend, and there’s a good chance phones were on the table. Maybe someone checked a notification mid-conversation. Maybe the other person noticed, maybe they didn’t say anything. For a long time, people didn’t think much about this, but as phone use has gotten more common, these distractions are starting to hurt our relationships. There is a term for it called “phubbing.” So, what does this really mean, and how can we deal with it?
What is phubbing, and how is it affecting us?
Phubbing is an act of ignoring someone while they are talking to you and paying attention to your phone instead. It can happen during a conversation, at dinner, or just any moment when you expect someone to pay attention. The term “phubbing” was actually introduced a long time ago (2007) in Australia, but in recent years, it has become a common behavior.
Phubbing usually isn’t intended to hurt someone. It’s not that a person sitting across from you is thinking, “I don’t care about what they’re saying.” It’s often more of a habit; a notification buzzes, and people reach for the phone, and the distraction starts. However, even if it’s accidental, the person being ignored can still feel slighted.
According to a Pew Research Center study, about 51% of people in the U.S. say their partner often seems distracted by their phone while they talk. Nearly 40% of those surveyed feel annoyed by how much time their partner spends on their device. This isn’t just a complaint from a few overly sensitive people; it’s a widespread issue across many relationships.
Phubbing is one of the fastest ways to damage any relationship, not just romantic ones, but friendships, work relationships, or even those with family members.
How to deal with phubbing?
If you’re feeling ignored because someone is constantly on their phone, or if you find yourself doing this to someone else, here are some simple ways to address it without hurting your relationship.
Name it without making it a fight
Start by recognizing what’s happening without escalating into an argument. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone,” try expressing your feelings with, “Can we put our phones away during dinner? I miss having real conversations.” This way, you can share your feelings without pointing fingers, and it invites the other person to engage positively.
Set phone-free times
Taking breaks from screens, or practicing good “digital hygiene,” is important for keeping your relationship healthy. You can set phone-free times with your partner, such as during dinner, the first hour after work, Sunday mornings, or even while you’re relaxing in bed. This small change can make a big difference in how you feel about spending time together. You can make similar phone-free rules with children, or even with friends.
Reflect on your own phone usage
It’s also good to reflect on how much you use your phone. Do you find yourself checking your phone while talking to someone? Or scrolling when there is a pause in conversation? Most people do this without even thinking about how it may affect those around them. You can control this by looking at how much time you spend on your phone using features on your device that track your usage. You can also turn off notifications so you’re not tempted to check your phone again and again.
Understand what’s driving it
People often check their phones for a reason. It could be stress from work, getting caught up in social media, avoiding conversations, or just being bored. If you or someone close to you is always reaching for their phone, take a moment to think about why that might be happening. Addressing the reasons behind the behavior can be more effective than simply cutting it out.
Change the environment, not just the intention
Sometimes, having good intentions isn’t enough if the phone is right in front of you. Try keeping phones in another room during meals, in a purse when going out on a date, or charging them somewhere else at night instead of next to your bed. These small changes can help you be more present without relying just on willpower, which can be hard to maintain.
Phubbing isn’t a new concept, but it’s one a lot of people still aren’t taking seriously enough. Phones aren’t going anywhere, and neither is the temptation to check them constantly. The real question is whether the people in your life come second to that, and whether you’re okay with that answer.
